Stress

I've been going through a lot with school like the last couple of weeks. I have been trying to understand why am I going through this. I went through all of this financial problems my freshman year. This year I feel like its worse. Now I finally realize why i am taking the same test twice. The first time it was to teach me faith. I learned if i have a little faith the things I desire will be mines. This time its about humility. Although I desire to go to school, I dn't appreciate the priviledge of being at a unversity. I always thought I was suppose to be thee because I did everything right to ge there. God had to show me it could be taken away because I don't act like I care. I do enough work to get by and I always complain about it. I had to really humble myself and say I'm blessed and I need to start acting like I appreciate my blessings. As easily as I received it , it can be taken away.

He's Like...

That pair of shoes that you don't love but you buy anyway because they didnt have your size in the ones you wanted to die for. After you get him home you realize the leather smells better than you thought and the design isn't totally hideous. you also realize he's quite comfy. You begin to love him....the more you wear him you say dang he makes me look quite sexy. He starts increasing your swagger. As soon as you grow completely comfy with him on your, feet another girl comes along and slides her feet in them. You finally admit he wasn't your type so you put him in his box and hand him to her.

Urge!

The urge to write! I feel the urge to write. To paint my soul on this blank canvas with black ink. As much as I feel this way, the words aren't there. I can't find any one word to express how i truly feel. I search my insides from my heart to the pit of my stomach for some form of expression. Nothing comes. All I want to do is write. Its the most frustrating, ironic, contradiction in my life. I want to write blank words. My mind is blankly racing with every word I can think of to explain how I feel. The words just won't form complete sentences to give me a concrete thought, or topic. I have never felt so lost like the words were incapable of being found. When they come to me I just hope I still have the urge.

i always write about he, she, and them but I rarely open up about me. (well directly anyway). you know how people have those life defining moments, the thing that make them discover themselves and go on this whole soul searching bid. honestly i never thought i would have that moment because i felt like i knew where my soul was. i was wrong that moment has come and it was a book that made me wonder, it has really changed my life. i feel like i have been living in this predictable bubble that everything i do is so mundane. i do whats expected. as much as i yearn to live off pure instinct i guess im kind of, dare i say it......scared. i feel like i have the courage to find my dream after reading this book. it made me feel like nothing is out of my reach. i feel like i can master the guitar if i want to, i can become an actress, a socialite, and become some famous name in the fashion industry. i can really do it if i want to because i now have the urge to discover who i really am. forget about being shy and embarrassed easier than im impressed, forget about other people's opinions of me and what they expect me to be. its time to discover who i am and do it alone.

All The Right Words!

He said all the right words. Everything I longed to hear. He gave it to me. Hesistantly....but still he gave it to me. I thought I would finally be relieved that everything I wanted to here would excite me. It didn't. I wasn't ecstatic. I kind of did not feel anything at all. A and a half year ago when he told m everything I never thought I would hear I was crushed. I couldn't breath. My lungs felt like they had collapsed, my heart felt like I went into cardiac arrest, and my stomach felt like it was somewhere near my feet. Overall I was heartbroken. Kind of stayed stagnant like that for a while. Finally after a few dozen months I finally realized ok he isn't coming back. I accepted it and began the process of moving on. Now that I have he wants to come back. He said everything I yearned to hear month and months ago. The words just doesn't seem that powerful after I have let go. Why is it that all the right words are said at the wrong time?

pause!

Taking a break from my very important studies to let my creative genius shine thru. It has been over a month since my fingers have hit these keys. What can I say? I'm busy. As my sophomore year of college comes to a close and my 19th year on this earth starts to wind down. I think about my life, specifically my love life. it appears to be nonexistent for at least the last two years anyway. I see this as a good thing. Its a good thing because i took time to find myself and decide what I really want in a relationship. (a horrible relationship will make you sit back and think...believe me!!!) But seriously I have now come to the conclusion that I am so totally ready to date. Does this mean that I am going to throw myself on the first man I see? NO! It does mean I want to be with someone who is going to treat me with respect and acknowledge the fact that I'm a lady and not a bitch! I need someone who can show me a good time all the time not just when I am giving him what he wants. (get your mind out of the gutter...i'm talking about food! lol.) I want someone who matches my personality. I want to suggest things and not get shot down because thats not his style. I want him to enjoy my company also. never do I want a one sided relationship. I need to know that he likes being around me and he actually have a good time when we are together. I want a free spirit that matches my free spirit. I need somone that is spontaneous and can just be free and enjoy life (with me). I want him. Him rite there with the tattered jeans that looks like he really does not care. i need him to come take me away in his mustang and drive me to the coast. I need him to paint me a picture or write me a song. I'll definitely alter his clothes. I know it would be perfect I can let my hair down with him. I can put on an old tee and some of his jeans. and we'll lay around all day because he just likes being with me. yeah him over there he is the one I need. pause! could this really truly be? i found the one for me?!

Insecurity!

People talk and people listen. Do you ever really think about whatyour words will do to someone else. I don't really say too much because I prefer to listen and keep my opinions to myself. I have learned that negative words is the worst form of insecurity and it isn't attractive. You hear people talk about others and the sound so secure, but really the are just insecure little turtles trying to cover up their own flaws. I don't understand why people just can't work on their own insecurities quietly instead f opening their mouths and letting the world know. Idk. Maybe I am just the type of person that prefers to deal with everything internally. i can't let people in and reveal myself. I don't want to be judged. I think that's the difference between people in the world. Some people will just sit back and watch while others put it all out there before you even know their name. And for what? no one can help you until you're ready to face your flaws!

Mr. Right Pt. 2

We all need something or someone to blame. You blame it on the alcohol, the childhood, your friends, as long as the blame is not on you. He blames her. He blames her for all of the heartache, the pain, and the end of a beautiful dysfunctional romance. He blames her for the same thing she knew was bound to happen, the thing that was inevitable. She can't understand why he would blame her. Nothing was definite. Everything was substantial or a possibility. How could he blame her for something that was not even in existence? he tried to love her after the pain, he wanted to love her after that moment. The truth is he couldn't, he was ultimately bruised. He hated her for the possibilities of what could have been and what he wanted it to be. She loved him for those same reasons. He hated the fact he allowed her to do it before he knew what the future could have held, she loved him because he trusted her that much. The pain that lived in him would not allow him to kiss her the same, to hold her the same, he definitely could not love her the same. The thought of what she could of been and she chose not to be, he questioned what he meant to her and the possibilities. How much did she love him if she could just do that before she had a chance to see. She felt differently she loved him more, she gained more passion, he turned his head, she put her head in his lap. She wanted him to love her more. It was not that she did not want it to be it was just that she could not risk her future. She couldn't risk not making it, and not becoming successful for something neither one of them was sure about. They suffered from the same situation. He blamed Her. She loved Him. They should have blamed selfishness.

Destiny.

Some say it laid out for you. Some say you have to go find it. I am not trying to tell people what to think or what to do. I believe you have to take control of your destiny. It may be set up but you have to work towards getting there. It irritates me so much when people sit on their [expletive] and say everything is going to be ok God will provide. Granted God will provide, But geeezzzz meet Him halfway. He is not going to come to your house pick you up off of your couch and say Jane/ John Doe this is Destiny and vice versa. You have to prove you deserve whatever God has laid out for you. Who am I to get all spiritual?? I'm no one, but its just frustrating to go home or just look around period and see people I truly care about in the same position they were in two, three, four years ago. it really saddens me because they have all the potential in the world but the sit around and wait for something to come to them. Gee, Golly, Wiz!!!! Life is definitely too short to be too afraid to try because you think you are going to fail if you step out on your own. You have to take risk and chances to better yourself, the failures in life only makes you stronger as a person. Its ok to step out in the world by yourself with your fave things and give the world a chance. The worst thing is that someone will tell you no. Believe where someone has told you no the more significant yes will be rite around the corner. You wil not fail as long as you refuse to give up. But....Destiny does not make house calls.

Can I have a sing Newport??

Everyone knows its February. Before the month is over I feel I must write about Black love. [Its black history month and national heart month....duhh!] Well anyway our president is black and so is his wife, their love is ultimately beautiful. But....that is not the case for most black people especially young black people. We seem to have gotten caught up in this whole "you do you, imma do me," era and we forgot the concept of really being with someone. Most of us settle for casual sex to feed our needs at the moment. The young men don't want to settle down so the girls act like its nothing, they just want to smoke the ciggz and not buy the whole carton. No matter what a girl may say....every girl wants to buy the whole carton!! I just believe its sad that a young educated black woman may have to wait until she is ready to get her groove back to be with an educated black man. Then the question comes about when did we become so superficial and cynical that we are willing to keep having these casual relationships (smoke outs) because it seems to be cool? This is not cool, not by a long shot. Hopefully we as people will want to get married, but I do not want to marry a man who has more notches in his belt than earthquake. Can you say eww disgusting??? And hopefully he wouldn't want to do the same. I want to settle down with a black man, an educated black man, one who knocks my socks off. Hopefully while he is knocking my socks off he's not knocking socks off of everyone I ever came in contact with. I guess I am trying to say we need to get the love back black people and stop with all the unattachment. Get attached.

Dream Love.

She dreams of the perfect love. The one who is absolutely compatible with her. He feeds her soul an she does the same to him. They get each other, its normally hard for people to understand him, and she could never be figured out, but them, oh they get each other. Its hard to explain and its not iterpreted well in words. All they know is that they could not have dreamed of a more beautiful love. She has not found him yet! Its no ones fault but her own. She stands in her own way constantly, she keeps repeating this vicious cycle and recycling the same two men. Neither one of them is the perfect love. Mr. Right is the one she always runs back to because he is her safety zone, she knows he will always be there and he'll say something to make her feel secure. She's not in love with him anymore and she kind of don't get anything out of talking to him. Nonetheless she can't stop talking to him. She doesn't know what it is but he pulls her in and it is something about him that intrigues her. then there is Mr. Man he could be the one for her he really could. But he is very juvenile and it seems like she is about fifteen steps ahead of him/ So, why does these guys keep her mind captivated? Because she falls in love with the things she can't understand, the more confused she is the more intrigued she is. She is captivated by the curiosity of it all. She tells herself she deserves better, but she knows she will always be captivated by these mysterious characters that will always impact her life in some way shape or form. Eventually, the perfect love will come along and he will intrigue her more than Mr. Right and Mr. Man combined he will be more mysterious and more exotic, he'll be everything she is and more.

first love.

We met at such a young age.I tried to resist, because i knew he was like a drug and he could cause instability in my life. But he captivated me pulling me closer with every piece. I grew to love him more and more by the season. Once he was in my life I knew he was there to stay. Although we do not always see eye to eye and when we are mad at each other and I see him with other girls I despise him. But the next season i know he will be back in my life making it better than it was the last season. And we are absolutely inseperable in the summertime, because he knows the right thing to do and unlike most first loves he is always true. Now that we are far apart he is becoming harder to reach and one point I thought maybe it wasn't for me. But it was winter and it is hard to see his full capability through the snow and rain and heavy coats. So we decided to chill until spring and just like I expected he was there with something new and more intricate than the last time. My first love and I have a complicated relationship, he doesn't always give in to my ideas but he allows me to be creative and never lets me lose myself. i will forever adore him because I chose to be with him. As we go through the years other men will come and go and I may fall in love again. But summer will roll around and when the sandals, dresses, and floral prints return, I will always remember the first day I finally understood you and I wanted you to be a part of me. i love you Fashion...we will always be.

Holding on!

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn- David Russell.

Holding on to people that are causing you harm or weighing you down and can only bring negative things to your life is not helping you its hendering you. LET PEOPLE GO! Its hurt now but it is better for it to hurt now than hold you up later. If someone genuinely care for you, it will never get to the point where you have to make a decision.

But Mommie..I want it!!

You want it. I know you do. You don't care what it cost, or what it takes your gonna get it because you want it. You don't care who it hurts. Why douyou want it? You want it but she has it. We always want what we don't/can't have we don't care that it is unattainable and irrelevant at this point. Your skinny but you want big breast or big hips. Well thats not that bad it doesn't hurt anyone. You wish you could sing because she knows how to sing. You wish you were her color because she looks so pretty. Typical human being we always want something that is out of our reach. Its our nature. That's fine. What isn't fine is when you go to extremes to get something that you can't have right now. SHEwants HER man! Oooowwww!!! Yeah SHE knows HE's HERS but SHE don't care because SHE wants him, so SHE does whatever it takes to get him. SHE flirts with him, she calls him and act like she's just talking about HER. Eventually SHE gets him. But when SHE gets himHE turns out to be everything SHE doesn't want. So what does SHE do? SHE tries to give him back. But she can't because SHE and HER use to be best friends until SHE and HE. Now SHE is pregnant by HE and SHE needs HER because HER is the only person that ever truly loved SHE. Once SHE starts showing HE leaves but SHE doesn't have anyone SHE can depend on but HER. HER is tired of SHE's mess and decides that was the final straw. ...Is it really worth it? Can you live without saying, "But Mommie..I want it!!"

definition!

I always have this period of time when I am inspired to write. That doesn't really have anything to do with what I am writing about, but I felt the needed to say it... so I did. Anyway back to the matter at hand. Everything in this world is defined but something or someone. We are defined by our parents, our friends, where we are from, our features, etc. (well you get the point). If the world is not labeling us we tend to label ourselves by what we are doing, what we want to do, or our interest. What if there was no definition? What if people could just be? What if I could disregard the fact that I'm 19, I'm a girl, I'm in college, and I am planning to have a great future? Granted these things will still be the generalizations that make up who I am but what if people didn't expect certain things from me because of these definitions? For example, when people ask me questions, such as, what do you want to do after you graduate? and I respond with some type of career in the fashion industry. I may not really feel like I want to do that (because I really don't), I want to own my own businesses. but I say I want to be a stylist or a buyer because its a definite answer and it gives others security. We find satisfaction in knowing other people are secure in us. That is really the whole purpose of definition, its to give others security, while we are secretly insecure in everything that defines us. I know its a lot to take in and completely understand, but think about it. Are you really you because of the things you know about yourself or because of what others define you as? When others tell you your pretty/handsome, did you already know that or did them telling you make you believe it? How many of us are waiting on other to define us??

Is it he?

She's ready. Oh so ready to be swept off her feet. She's ready for the indescribable thing. It seems like everytime she's ready there is no he around. Idk what's going on with the male species but she knows its time to give it a try again. But is it he for she?

On the Surface!

What if you could look into a persons soul the moment you meet them? If you could look at her and know that she only looks pretty on the outside but all of the pain and hurt that she has been through makes her feel anything but pretty? What if you could look at him and know he has been abused all of his life by his father and he never met his mother? What if you could look Deeper, past the Gucci and the Louis? If you could look past the flashy clothes, pretty eyes, long hair, smooth skin, and beautiful smile? Would you change your opinion about them. When you realize she could be just as vulnerable as you and he is more sensitive than you think, how would your opinion change? How superficial are you really? how many of us judge people by the outward appearance alone. take a step back and look at yourself adnd think of how your life shaped the person you are now. Then maybe you will be more sympathetic toward others and slower to judge. The surface isn't nearly as Deep as the person.