i always write about he, she, and them but I rarely open up about me. (well directly anyway). you know how people have those life defining moments, the thing that make them discover themselves and go on this whole soul searching bid. honestly i never thought i would have that moment because i felt like i knew where my soul was. i was wrong that moment has come and it was a book that made me wonder, it has really changed my life. i feel like i have been living in this predictable bubble that everything i do is so mundane. i do whats expected. as much as i yearn to live off pure instinct i guess im kind of, dare i say it......scared. i feel like i have the courage to find my dream after reading this book. it made me feel like nothing is out of my reach. i feel like i can master the guitar if i want to, i can become an actress, a socialite, and become some famous name in the fashion industry. i can really do it if i want to because i now have the urge to discover who i really am. forget about being shy and embarrassed easier than im impressed, forget about other people's opinions of me and what they expect me to be. its time to discover who i am and do it alone.

All The Right Words!

He said all the right words. Everything I longed to hear. He gave it to me. Hesistantly....but still he gave it to me. I thought I would finally be relieved that everything I wanted to here would excite me. It didn't. I wasn't ecstatic. I kind of did not feel anything at all. A and a half year ago when he told m everything I never thought I would hear I was crushed. I couldn't breath. My lungs felt like they had collapsed, my heart felt like I went into cardiac arrest, and my stomach felt like it was somewhere near my feet. Overall I was heartbroken. Kind of stayed stagnant like that for a while. Finally after a few dozen months I finally realized ok he isn't coming back. I accepted it and began the process of moving on. Now that I have he wants to come back. He said everything I yearned to hear month and months ago. The words just doesn't seem that powerful after I have let go. Why is it that all the right words are said at the wrong time?

pause!

Taking a break from my very important studies to let my creative genius shine thru. It has been over a month since my fingers have hit these keys. What can I say? I'm busy. As my sophomore year of college comes to a close and my 19th year on this earth starts to wind down. I think about my life, specifically my love life. it appears to be nonexistent for at least the last two years anyway. I see this as a good thing. Its a good thing because i took time to find myself and decide what I really want in a relationship. (a horrible relationship will make you sit back and think...believe me!!!) But seriously I have now come to the conclusion that I am so totally ready to date. Does this mean that I am going to throw myself on the first man I see? NO! It does mean I want to be with someone who is going to treat me with respect and acknowledge the fact that I'm a lady and not a bitch! I need someone who can show me a good time all the time not just when I am giving him what he wants. (get your mind out of the gutter...i'm talking about food! lol.) I want someone who matches my personality. I want to suggest things and not get shot down because thats not his style. I want him to enjoy my company also. never do I want a one sided relationship. I need to know that he likes being around me and he actually have a good time when we are together. I want a free spirit that matches my free spirit. I need somone that is spontaneous and can just be free and enjoy life (with me). I want him. Him rite there with the tattered jeans that looks like he really does not care. i need him to come take me away in his mustang and drive me to the coast. I need him to paint me a picture or write me a song. I'll definitely alter his clothes. I know it would be perfect I can let my hair down with him. I can put on an old tee and some of his jeans. and we'll lay around all day because he just likes being with me. yeah him over there he is the one I need. pause! could this really truly be? i found the one for me?!

Insecurity!

People talk and people listen. Do you ever really think about whatyour words will do to someone else. I don't really say too much because I prefer to listen and keep my opinions to myself. I have learned that negative words is the worst form of insecurity and it isn't attractive. You hear people talk about others and the sound so secure, but really the are just insecure little turtles trying to cover up their own flaws. I don't understand why people just can't work on their own insecurities quietly instead f opening their mouths and letting the world know. Idk. Maybe I am just the type of person that prefers to deal with everything internally. i can't let people in and reveal myself. I don't want to be judged. I think that's the difference between people in the world. Some people will just sit back and watch while others put it all out there before you even know their name. And for what? no one can help you until you're ready to face your flaws!

Mr. Right Pt. 2

We all need something or someone to blame. You blame it on the alcohol, the childhood, your friends, as long as the blame is not on you. He blames her. He blames her for all of the heartache, the pain, and the end of a beautiful dysfunctional romance. He blames her for the same thing she knew was bound to happen, the thing that was inevitable. She can't understand why he would blame her. Nothing was definite. Everything was substantial or a possibility. How could he blame her for something that was not even in existence? he tried to love her after the pain, he wanted to love her after that moment. The truth is he couldn't, he was ultimately bruised. He hated her for the possibilities of what could have been and what he wanted it to be. She loved him for those same reasons. He hated the fact he allowed her to do it before he knew what the future could have held, she loved him because he trusted her that much. The pain that lived in him would not allow him to kiss her the same, to hold her the same, he definitely could not love her the same. The thought of what she could of been and she chose not to be, he questioned what he meant to her and the possibilities. How much did she love him if she could just do that before she had a chance to see. She felt differently she loved him more, she gained more passion, he turned his head, she put her head in his lap. She wanted him to love her more. It was not that she did not want it to be it was just that she could not risk her future. She couldn't risk not making it, and not becoming successful for something neither one of them was sure about. They suffered from the same situation. He blamed Her. She loved Him. They should have blamed selfishness.

Destiny.

Some say it laid out for you. Some say you have to go find it. I am not trying to tell people what to think or what to do. I believe you have to take control of your destiny. It may be set up but you have to work towards getting there. It irritates me so much when people sit on their [expletive] and say everything is going to be ok God will provide. Granted God will provide, But geeezzzz meet Him halfway. He is not going to come to your house pick you up off of your couch and say Jane/ John Doe this is Destiny and vice versa. You have to prove you deserve whatever God has laid out for you. Who am I to get all spiritual?? I'm no one, but its just frustrating to go home or just look around period and see people I truly care about in the same position they were in two, three, four years ago. it really saddens me because they have all the potential in the world but the sit around and wait for something to come to them. Gee, Golly, Wiz!!!! Life is definitely too short to be too afraid to try because you think you are going to fail if you step out on your own. You have to take risk and chances to better yourself, the failures in life only makes you stronger as a person. Its ok to step out in the world by yourself with your fave things and give the world a chance. The worst thing is that someone will tell you no. Believe where someone has told you no the more significant yes will be rite around the corner. You wil not fail as long as you refuse to give up. But....Destiny does not make house calls.

Can I have a sing Newport??

Everyone knows its February. Before the month is over I feel I must write about Black love. [Its black history month and national heart month....duhh!] Well anyway our president is black and so is his wife, their love is ultimately beautiful. But....that is not the case for most black people especially young black people. We seem to have gotten caught up in this whole "you do you, imma do me," era and we forgot the concept of really being with someone. Most of us settle for casual sex to feed our needs at the moment. The young men don't want to settle down so the girls act like its nothing, they just want to smoke the ciggz and not buy the whole carton. No matter what a girl may say....every girl wants to buy the whole carton!! I just believe its sad that a young educated black woman may have to wait until she is ready to get her groove back to be with an educated black man. Then the question comes about when did we become so superficial and cynical that we are willing to keep having these casual relationships (smoke outs) because it seems to be cool? This is not cool, not by a long shot. Hopefully we as people will want to get married, but I do not want to marry a man who has more notches in his belt than earthquake. Can you say eww disgusting??? And hopefully he wouldn't want to do the same. I want to settle down with a black man, an educated black man, one who knocks my socks off. Hopefully while he is knocking my socks off he's not knocking socks off of everyone I ever came in contact with. I guess I am trying to say we need to get the love back black people and stop with all the unattachment. Get attached.