Stress

I've been going through a lot with school like the last couple of weeks. I have been trying to understand why am I going through this. I went through all of this financial problems my freshman year. This year I feel like its worse. Now I finally realize why i am taking the same test twice. The first time it was to teach me faith. I learned if i have a little faith the things I desire will be mines. This time its about humility. Although I desire to go to school, I dn't appreciate the priviledge of being at a unversity. I always thought I was suppose to be thee because I did everything right to ge there. God had to show me it could be taken away because I don't act like I care. I do enough work to get by and I always complain about it. I had to really humble myself and say I'm blessed and I need to start acting like I appreciate my blessings. As easily as I received it , it can be taken away.

He's Like...

That pair of shoes that you don't love but you buy anyway because they didnt have your size in the ones you wanted to die for. After you get him home you realize the leather smells better than you thought and the design isn't totally hideous. you also realize he's quite comfy. You begin to love him....the more you wear him you say dang he makes me look quite sexy. He starts increasing your swagger. As soon as you grow completely comfy with him on your, feet another girl comes along and slides her feet in them. You finally admit he wasn't your type so you put him in his box and hand him to her.

Urge!

The urge to write! I feel the urge to write. To paint my soul on this blank canvas with black ink. As much as I feel this way, the words aren't there. I can't find any one word to express how i truly feel. I search my insides from my heart to the pit of my stomach for some form of expression. Nothing comes. All I want to do is write. Its the most frustrating, ironic, contradiction in my life. I want to write blank words. My mind is blankly racing with every word I can think of to explain how I feel. The words just won't form complete sentences to give me a concrete thought, or topic. I have never felt so lost like the words were incapable of being found. When they come to me I just hope I still have the urge.

i always write about he, she, and them but I rarely open up about me. (well directly anyway). you know how people have those life defining moments, the thing that make them discover themselves and go on this whole soul searching bid. honestly i never thought i would have that moment because i felt like i knew where my soul was. i was wrong that moment has come and it was a book that made me wonder, it has really changed my life. i feel like i have been living in this predictable bubble that everything i do is so mundane. i do whats expected. as much as i yearn to live off pure instinct i guess im kind of, dare i say it......scared. i feel like i have the courage to find my dream after reading this book. it made me feel like nothing is out of my reach. i feel like i can master the guitar if i want to, i can become an actress, a socialite, and become some famous name in the fashion industry. i can really do it if i want to because i now have the urge to discover who i really am. forget about being shy and embarrassed easier than im impressed, forget about other people's opinions of me and what they expect me to be. its time to discover who i am and do it alone.

All The Right Words!

He said all the right words. Everything I longed to hear. He gave it to me. Hesistantly....but still he gave it to me. I thought I would finally be relieved that everything I wanted to here would excite me. It didn't. I wasn't ecstatic. I kind of did not feel anything at all. A and a half year ago when he told m everything I never thought I would hear I was crushed. I couldn't breath. My lungs felt like they had collapsed, my heart felt like I went into cardiac arrest, and my stomach felt like it was somewhere near my feet. Overall I was heartbroken. Kind of stayed stagnant like that for a while. Finally after a few dozen months I finally realized ok he isn't coming back. I accepted it and began the process of moving on. Now that I have he wants to come back. He said everything I yearned to hear month and months ago. The words just doesn't seem that powerful after I have let go. Why is it that all the right words are said at the wrong time?

pause!

Taking a break from my very important studies to let my creative genius shine thru. It has been over a month since my fingers have hit these keys. What can I say? I'm busy. As my sophomore year of college comes to a close and my 19th year on this earth starts to wind down. I think about my life, specifically my love life. it appears to be nonexistent for at least the last two years anyway. I see this as a good thing. Its a good thing because i took time to find myself and decide what I really want in a relationship. (a horrible relationship will make you sit back and think...believe me!!!) But seriously I have now come to the conclusion that I am so totally ready to date. Does this mean that I am going to throw myself on the first man I see? NO! It does mean I want to be with someone who is going to treat me with respect and acknowledge the fact that I'm a lady and not a bitch! I need someone who can show me a good time all the time not just when I am giving him what he wants. (get your mind out of the gutter...i'm talking about food! lol.) I want someone who matches my personality. I want to suggest things and not get shot down because thats not his style. I want him to enjoy my company also. never do I want a one sided relationship. I need to know that he likes being around me and he actually have a good time when we are together. I want a free spirit that matches my free spirit. I need somone that is spontaneous and can just be free and enjoy life (with me). I want him. Him rite there with the tattered jeans that looks like he really does not care. i need him to come take me away in his mustang and drive me to the coast. I need him to paint me a picture or write me a song. I'll definitely alter his clothes. I know it would be perfect I can let my hair down with him. I can put on an old tee and some of his jeans. and we'll lay around all day because he just likes being with me. yeah him over there he is the one I need. pause! could this really truly be? i found the one for me?!

Insecurity!

People talk and people listen. Do you ever really think about whatyour words will do to someone else. I don't really say too much because I prefer to listen and keep my opinions to myself. I have learned that negative words is the worst form of insecurity and it isn't attractive. You hear people talk about others and the sound so secure, but really the are just insecure little turtles trying to cover up their own flaws. I don't understand why people just can't work on their own insecurities quietly instead f opening their mouths and letting the world know. Idk. Maybe I am just the type of person that prefers to deal with everything internally. i can't let people in and reveal myself. I don't want to be judged. I think that's the difference between people in the world. Some people will just sit back and watch while others put it all out there before you even know their name. And for what? no one can help you until you're ready to face your flaws!